Getting through it

So I have definitely let this fall by the way-side.  Actually everything has.  I find so many times I am just treading water and getting done what needs to be done, particularly for others.  Hard to find that balance when you are a mum I guess.  The diet has stopped, the exercise - I keep making excuses and they are trivial and not even real. 
The blast from the past continues to pester and this is upsetting me as he is now all like 'wow do you know what you want now from a relationship - pity you didn't know back then when I was around'.  It makes me feel demeaned and useless.  I really need to harden up and tell him to go away for good.  I don't have his number in my phone so that I don't weaken and text - he only ever textes.  Next time there is a text I will ring straight back and tell him to fuck off. 
The child and I have had some fun and she has had some excitement with Induction day at her high school and uniform shopping.  She is so ready to move onto the next stage in her life.  Yes she can still be a 12 year old, but there are glimpses of the lovely young lady she is potentially turning into.  I say potentially because she still has the ability to NOT reach her next birthday based on behaviour!!
I continue to struggle with my folks away.  Just to be able to ring and say 'blah blah blah' good, bad or indifferent. 

So onward with the Warrior Woman attributes.....I definitely have No. 5 - there is an amazing group of people around me who are encouraging, supportive and friends.  I just need to remind myself of that (often).

5. Find your tribe. Your pack.  Your posse. Your band of sisters and brothers.  Surround yourself with people you trust, respect and enjoy.  You don’t have to always agree. You don’t even have to always get along.  But these are the faithful ones. Loyal. Steadfast. And true.  The ones who will be there for you.  With you. By your side.  The ones who have your back.  And will hold your hair back while you barf.

 

6. Follow your passions.  Therein lies your love affair with life. Be curious.  Channel your inner Curious George.  Do things that you love to do.  Be enthusiastic. Keen. Overflowing with zeal, zest and gusto.  Embrace new ideas and ways of doing the things you already know. Be creative.  Imaginative. Take the magical mystery tour.  Expand. Grow. Cultivate. Hone. Set your heart on fire.  Grab a handful.  Then another.  And another.  Gush about the things you love. Take risks. Embrace the failures on the way to your successes.  Learn and get on with it.  Dive in with your whole heart.

Back into it!!

Yeap - routine has not being playing a whole lot of role in my life at the moment and red wine has been playing too much role.  Scary how we can trick ourselves that it is all OK but it isn't!!  A few anniversaries over the last few weeks that have seen me outwardly smile and inwardly want to find that nice dark numb place.

But on with the Warrior Woman thoughts - I need to re-read these and then re-read them again!!

3. Get a kick out of life. Have fun. Find things that amuse and delight you - Every day. Don’t put it off for the weekend. For vacation. Or another time. Hoot and holler right now. Find your zippity doo dah. Make a joyful sound. Cause a ruckus. Bang on your drum all day. Laugh your guts out. Until you cry. Embrace happiness. Enjoy the people you’re with right this very second. 

4. Open your heart wide and let in the love. Go where your heart leads you. And don’t run from it’s softness. Let it be tender. Kind. Compassionate. Gentle. Extend your hand to another and grab on tight. Then let go. Their in lies your strength. Love again. Then again. And again. You don’t have to get it right. Or perfect. Just let love come naturally. Accept that sometimes it will hurt. Don’t let this frighten you. Don’t push it away. Or turn your back. Don’t give up on it. Most importantly, learn to recognize love when it comes your way. It doesn’t always come gift wrapped. Your power to love is your secret weapon.

Remiss

Well I have been very remiss in getting some posts done these last few weeks.  I have been meaning to keep going with the Warrior Woman chat, but life, emotions and energy levels have got in the way.
I haven't been overly consistent these last few weeks with routine, exercise, clean eating or alcohol, however in the last week things have been feeling good.  I think it is because some things are being put into place for the future.
I am off to Melbourne today and I will try to do some blogging while I am there.  I love Melbourne, just love it!

Slipping

This week has been hard.  Not quite sure what has happened.  Haven't been to the gym and definitely haven't been eating clean!!  

I recently saw this article on another blog (and I did forget to grab the name so sorry for pinching it), but it gives the top 10 ways to be a Warrior Woman.  I think that is what I am needing at the moment.  Thought that I might put a couple up each day and have a look at them.

1. Be real.  Authentically you.  Be the girl you are when you’re alone in your room.  The girl who sings into the hairbrush.  Or dances like a wild one.  The girl who jumps on the bed with crazy abandon.  And cries in the mirror so bad the mascara runs like black rivers down her cheeks.  A girl who curses at the ceiling and vows to never speak again. The one who drops to her knees and prays that someone or something is listening. Be the girl who not only hears the music but makes the music.  The girl who doesn't just march to the beat of her own drum but runs, leaps and flies. She’s the leader of the band.  Not the groupie.  Open the door to your room. Let the rest of the world see this strong Girl Warrior.

2. Stare down your fears.  Look them straight in the eyes.  Laugh at them.  Call their bluff.  Walk right through them.  Don’t go around.  Don’t avoid.  Face them head-on. Take a deep breath.  Or a hundred  breaths.  Make your move.  And keep moving.  Shaky legs, a racing heart, lump in the throat or dry mouth are just the silly antics of fear.  Not real.  Feel the fear and do it anyway.  Find your brave heart and take it into battle. Give yourself a hug. Then go out and kick some ass.

So who do you think of when you think of a Warrior Woman?  A mythical goddess, Joan of Arc, The Sufragrettes or Wonder Woman?  These days the girls could be even looking at Katniss Everdeen for their inspiration of a Warrior Woman.  For me it has to be Sarah Connor from the first Terminator movies!!

Monday

Well life goes on......
I have been reminded that I have amazing friends.  One has put up her hand and gone 'oi - what's all this about being depressed'  It was wonderful to chat and be heard.  It is hard to reach out, hard to admit and even harder to really talk.  However with friends like I have, I am blessed to be able to do all three (when I don't let my pride get in the way).
Well the blast from the past did contact to say 'how bout it?' and he really did mean 'how bout it?'  He was merely looking for a 'friend with benefits' and as much as I have been that sort of person in the past with some people in my life (think pre-child dalliances), I wasn't prepared to allow myself to be treated that way.  mmm is that a sniff of self-esteem that I am feeling?
So what am I doing at the moment.  Well I have just joined the 12wbt challenge again.  This was something that I started in 2011 and had to stop once I developed Ross River virus.  It is a great challenge and I have seen some friends lose weight and gain great fitness from it.

It is Warm Up at the moment and then Pre-Season begins on 22nd Oct.  I have time to get rid of the unwanted foods in the fridge and pantry (oh - I am not supposed to eat them?)

Feeling the burn

The gym is going really well!  Stupidly I had some wine on Sunday night and didn't turn up on Monday - felt lousy all day. 
I did a mountain of squats yesterday and felt it this monring when I got up - happily!  It is a good pain and it means that I have worked out.  I am definitley feeling it in my clothes and the scales are saying a few kilos down. 

Mood is also heaps better.  The man from the past tried to contact again (via text).  I said that I wasn't prepared to have conversations over sms and so he suggested Skype.  I thought he meant video - no still typing.  How can you get emotion out that way.  Anyway I informed him (after he said to contact him when I was free and we would go out) that I was not prepared to be the decision maker and if he wanted to go out he would have to risk the rejection (for whatever reason) by (verbally) asking.  Don't think he liked that, but hey - I deserve to be asked, not 'inform when I am free'.
Off to move these glutes and get some feeling back in them.
Phone front - have a new phone, paying out old phone, I love iTunes!!  I had 'backed up' a few months ago unknowingly - not a lot missing!!  Happy!!  I am liking Siri - getting used to using her!!

What was that all about??

Well had coffee and nothing really.  He looked exactly the same, if he had been trying to impress me he didn't try very hard.  I can't see that going anywhere really!  So not really sure what exactly it was all about.
On a lighter note - well not really - I have lost my iPhone.  Bloody angry about that!!  Was with me one minute and not the next.  Don't know if I dropped it, if it was picked up by someone.  I have tried to ring it but it is going to voicemail immediately which is odd.  Have spoken to my carrier and they have stopped the number and rang my insurance company and they will cover it (phew).  But it has everything in there!!!  Uggh, why didn't I start using iCloud when I was going to????

Looking Back

Late last year I developed depression along with Ross River Virus.  The months between October and May this year were hard work. Although I didn't take any time off work (single mother syndrome vs high rental), I really don't remember much of the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012.  I remember going to my brother's 40th in March, but I don't remember my daughter's birthday in March.  I have little recollection of Christmas, New Year, or anything really.
I do remember having a boyfriend in October though, and yet when I started to get better in April he wasn't around.  I actually have no idea what happened there.  I must admit, it wasn't a relationship that had an awful lot of substance given our individual situation (single mum, part-time dad, inner city chick, outer suburb cowboy) however it was nice to have someone who took me out, rang (actually no - texted) me occassionally, and generally having a +1.

I have always struggled to 'give'.  Emotionally give.  I can help you with all sorts of practical things, however the lovey dovey stuff I really struggle with.  Since having my daughter I have got better.  Being a Scorpio I also have an overriding desire to be in control, yet the woman in me wants to be looked after.  Such contrasts.
What this post is mainly about is - he has called (actually no - texted) and wants to meet for coffee.  So I have said yes and we are meeting tomorrow afternoon......will let you know how it goes.

Clean Eating

So I struggle with clean eating.  Having a lap band does make it more difficult to eat properly, three meals a day, lots of water, etc. etc.  But I am definitely one of those people that uses food to cope with life.  The list below is from http://zenhabits.net/

Some examples of how we use food to cope:

• We eat when we’re stressed. I need to find different ways of coping with stress.
• We eat when we’re sad or depressed. I must develop better stratergies for when I am sad
• We eat as a reward, when we’ve done something good. I am not a dog - must stop
• We eat to socialize. Used to think this about alcohol too, but have been managing.  Perhaps suggest different things to do socially other than food (go for a walk etc.)
• We eat because we’re bored. Oh yes!!!
• We eat for pleasure. God yes!  Even wtih the band I can still taste everything and it is good!
• We eat for love. We often equate food with love (our moms might have given us food lovingly as kids, or our lover used it to romance us), and so eating becomes a substitute for love. Where will we find love instead? Very bad habit of mine and really need to change it aroudn the home front!!

So the site then went on to suggest some stratergies that have worked for them.  I must say that they all make sense and I have bit by bit been incorporating them into my habits.

• Exercise – a great way to deal with stress, boredom, anger. That ticks off a few of the list above
• Meditation – excellent way of learning to deal with all of our emotions. More so trying relaxation techiques at the moment
• Tea – also great for stress, boredom, anger, but for me a great reward and source of pleasure. Really am enjoing my T2 tea collection
• People – I’ve learned to get my love from friends and family, and to use them as ways of dealing with my tougher emotions — talking with them, working out with them, simply spending time with them. Struggle with this one.  We are all busy and I find it hard to pick up the phone and admit that I am not coping
• Cleaning – decluttering, mindful sweeping, mindful wiping things down with a rag (TM). A great way to mindfully deal with stress, boredom, anger, etc. At first I thought they meant housework, but it is more so mindwork (phew)!
• Solitude – I’ve found solitude a great way to deal with tougher emotions (you learn to work out your problems instead of avoiding them by eating food), and solitude can be a reward as well. I have been making time for this lately and reading, which has been great and means that I am getting to bookclub each month and have actually read the books!!  Not really 'dealing with tougher emotions' I know but it is still time by myself!!

So just like getting back into the habit of exercise, I really need to get a habit of clean eating happening.  It can be done.

  V's
              

Developing Teenager...

So as a single parent with an approaching teenager, I find it hard some days.  At the moment this isn't regular, but it is becoming monotonous - and she is only 12!!

So - my usual problem solving is to goggle and I find that there are many and varied resources to 'dealing with' teenage daughters - funny there never seems to be a 'cure'.

For Her

• show respect
• ask for things rather than rebelling
• remember your mother has lived a lot longer than you I do like this one
• compromise must let her know what this means
• do chores graciously that last word is the important one

For Me

• keep rules to a minimum
• tamp down your anger hmmmmm
• speak softly but firmly definitely needs work
• respect personal space
• don't deal with problems when tempers are raw again - hmmmmm
• be the grown up
• give praise
• be consistent

Funny how there are more points for me than for her!!

Exercise = Happiness

So there is always a huge amount of talk about exercising and the affect it has on happiness.  Biology and lab rat studies aside, I know that when I excercise I feel better and actually get more achieved during the day - particularly in the mornings.  My sleep is better (although I do tend to dream a bit).

I read an article recently about the actual brain effects from merely walking 20mins per day

It is seriously amazing the difference in brain usage from just that 20min walk!!  No wonder I feel fried after a 45min work out - seriously my hemispheres must be alight!!

It all makes for great reading though and just reinforces that what I am doing is the right path.  I have done this before I know that it works!!  Habit forming is the big thing, getting my gym clothes out the night before and putting them next to the bed so that they are right there when the alarm goes off.  Another interesting fact from the article was the addictivness of the endorphines released during exercise. This is never more powerful than at the very beginning of exercising.  More exercise is needed to achieve the same effect over time.  No wonder I have been thinking about having a run after work (although haven't quite got there yet!!)

So it begins...

I am beginning this blog to try and get myself together while being a full time mum and worker, part-time domestic goddess and sometime everything else.

The challenge is on! I have been going to the gym for three weeks now and now need to clean up my diet. I have just on two months to drop a size before going to Melbourne and just on 8 months before the US trip!

Game face on.